tornroots

to wake or not to wake...

2006-01-22T18:56:14Z

question of the day:

what makes you get up in the morning?

is it physical or mental or spiritual or something else? is it survival? is it the joy of living? excitement about all the unknowns that each day may offer?

does there have to be a reason? does there have to be a purpose? or is life purpose enough?

i feel some prose poems coming on.

tear down the wall...

2005-12-20T19:42:55Z

Sometimes you have to tear down the wall to start fresh. It is not fun or easy or painless. It hurts and maybe it wasn't even a conscious decision but it happens...Now it's time to move on and build a new foundation. Life demands this of us.

tonight's show

2005-06-17T23:47:55Z

show tonight!

where: the continental

when: doors at 10pm. we go on at 1am.

who: 2 rock bands play first. then us: Aesthetic Macabre

go.

buy some drinks, enjoy the sights and sounds.

beware the ides of march!

2005-02-25T07:14:46Z

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

it's been a long time

2005-01-25T04:20:34Z

hello hello..

i figured it's been long enough since i wrote in here so let's see what's new. rocking the first Filter cd. good fun, indeed.. drinking the last beer in the fridge. i have a few more bucks than i did for the past months. i started a new story but it's nowhere near done. my creative juices are beginning to flow again. it's a relief. i'm reading this book 'She's come undone' by Wally Lamb.. it's a quick, easy read. in other news, Aesthetic Macabre has a show on March 12th at Broadway Joe's and I'm excited about that. don't want to overdo it now so let's end this now.

too many shots

2004-07-10T13:10:57Z

The road of excess leads to a thumping headache and nausea all day long while working on a roof and then at the tolls..I did way too many shots, all kinds and I paid for it yesterday. It was a long day and I kept looking at the clock. After work I took of my uniform, turned the fan on, (to block out any intruding noise not because I was hot) and went right to bed. I had many missed calls when I woke up this morning. It's funny how on the nights I don't want to go out many people call me, looking to hang out.. Everyone will get called back. What to do now that I'm awake before 9am? I was thinking of going to the beach. Any takers? By the time you read this it will probably be too late. Have some pool party to go to later. Should be interesting because it's all work people who will be there.

I have just over 200 pages left to go in "Of Human Bondage"..Anyone else ever read it? It's a solid classic, early 20th century. Much of it has to do with this young man's obsession with a waitress and how his passion controls his life.

Anyone read anything of interest lately?

chemicalmirage @ 2004-07-04T13:11:00

2004-07-04T17:07:34Z

At work yesterday a guy on a harley pulls up and turns the bike off. He has a bag in his hand and some clothes. He sets them on the ground and proceeds to get his toll out. He missed the 219 and he wants to get gas. I tell him where to get both and all during this interaction there are cars lining up behind him. One of which hits their horn. The biker looks at me and shakes his head.He is a big guy, someone you wouldn't want to start a fight with unless you were prepared for some wounds. He says if they do it again he will shoot someone. I tell him I don't wanna see that. We say a few more things about people that are in such a hurry and he says he's going to go even slower for them. He glares behind him at the line of cars. The cars hold their ground. The biker turns the key. I tell him to stay away from people in a hurry. He nods, looks around, drives off. The next few cars look at me funny, like they want to say something about the biker but don't have the right words. The day goes on..

In other news, Patrick is working on a sweet song. Should be done soon. I am working on some beats on the MC-505..

I'm looking at grad schools. Should I stay local or not?

I'm halfway through this "of human bondage" novel..It's good. If you like classics of the 20th century, and can handle 600 pages, go for it. The protagonist is interesting, and the characterization is good.

I work until 11 tonight. Anyone have any grand plans for the evening?

chemicalmirage @ 2004-06-26T12:59:00

2004-06-26T16:54:44Z

I was at a bar in Hamburg last night.
This guy sitting next to me knew the bartender
It was busy so he needed someone else to talk to
He told me about a 16 year old girl who has a crush on him
He's in his early thirties
Reminded me of babysitters I had when a young boy.
Odd, he said, there's nothing I can do.
So this guy, he's an engineer and moving to Virginia in a few days
But before he goes he's telling certain people what he never had the gall to tell them before
So he tells a woman he works with that he has a crush on her and she flirts back with him. He says he flirted with her for months and she never responded.
Some people need different hints, I said.
There's another girl he has known awhile that admitted she has wanted him for years and never said anything to him. He told me it would be good to have her lined up for whenever he comes back to Buffalo. But he wonders why she never said anything until now, when he is leaving.

The things we never say

ego

2004-06-11T15:56:04Z

Isn't live journal great? Everyone off in their own worlds..each person roaming his/her own microcosm. Some with mazes that are less complicated than others..some lost in their own creations.. This microcosm which is created by the world which is made by our self-deceptions and self-centered activity, with all it's confusion, jealousy, hatred, desire, fear, and constant divisive activity..

Does anyone step out of this cycle of violence that is our psychological state?

does it matter what day it is?

2004-06-08T05:09:36Z

I went to the drive-in last week with the ex and watched Shrek 2 and Envy..Shrek 2 had it moments of humor and Envy was typical Hollywood, ripe with all the one-liners you are supposed to laugh at and the moments of drama where you are supposed to feel anxious then the moment of climax and relief and the happy ending..I don't enjoy movies like I used to.. Ben Stiller seems to be typecast in that role of the guy who has many things go wrong for him. The ex wants to get back together. It's not a good idea..

My friend Danielle bought a duplex in Cheektovegas and offered to rent the upper to me and my cousin. It's a possibility. We'll have to check it out. Decent price, porch, no security deposit, and it's not too far from anything. Patrick and I sharing an apartment? Oh, the intrigue..I'm anxious to move.

Looking at grad schools..nothing is set in stone yet. I'm taking time off from school, just not sure how long. Have to plan a grad party for July. Some of you will be invited. Some of you probably don't know why you added me..

No shows planned yet for Aesthetic Macabre. We might get one for late June or early July at the Cruise-Inn in Lackawanna..

Still single, although the ex wants to change that. I don't need to be involved or attached like that. It's good to be alone. For awhile I was constantly thinking of finding that one special person to spend some time with, whether it be a month or however long it turned out to be, but now I don't feel that compulsion overcoming me. That desire for an ideal is bondage. If I meet someone I'll go with it. If not, it's not some void that needs to be filled.

Summer is almost here. Who is ready for the beach?

up with the sun once again

2004-05-29T11:57:58Z

Another overnighter finished. This might've been the busiest one ever, due to the holiday and the whole state of Ohio travelling the thruway..

The earliest I go to bed these days is 5am..

Finished Cat's Cradle the other day. What a fantastic, laugh-out-loud romp..I started 'Slapstick' tonight but lost interest and stopped about 40 pages in. In the first few pages Vonnegut says people should forget about love and focus on common decency..he also said he didn't know the difference between the love he had for his dogs, whom he rolled around on the floor with, and his family. What a character..

I have a yellow t-shirt on..It's from Outer Banx..

Been thinking about envy and all it's components..can we be free of it?

PJ Harvey's new cd comes out in a few days..maybe I'll buy it.

Anyone see any good movies lately? Last one I saw was 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'..

a box

2004-05-21T22:12:40Z

Today I got a box in the mail. It's from my Aunt in Michigan, a graduation present..2 books by Bukowski and a black t-shirt with his face on it, smoking..I don't recall telling her I read him but maybe I did. More books..A pleasant surprise.

I don't think I want to wear a shirt with someone's face on it.

Black cotton t-shirt in summer= a sweaty Jim..

i said "hot damn" earlier today..

2004-05-20T21:24:13Z

I finally finished 'Diary' by Palahniuk..It was a good read, I just had other reading to do while I was about half through it. It doesn't have as much of a twist as some of his other novels but there were some distinct Palahniuk-ian phrases and paragraphs that made it worthwhile. Where do you get your inspiration?

I have a few other books to read. One is another by Palahniuk 'Fugitives and Refugees', 'Cat's Cradle' by Vonnegut which I already read but I got it for xmas and I think reading it again would be rockin'. There are others that have been suggested to me by friends and such like Michael Moore, Hunter S. Thompson, CS Lewis etc.. I'm in the mood to go to a bookstore and pick a book at random. Maybe some writer I have never read before..

Also re-reading 'Total Freedom' by Krishnamurti...truly inspiring.

sitting in my boxers..

2004-05-14T07:22:27Z

going to sleep soon..will i dream? i haven't been dreaming much lately. i wonder if i'm resolving most issues/conflicts/stress while awake and my mind can rest when it needs it.less chatter in my subterranean layers of mind..

i haven't felt like talking about myself and there hasn't been anything in mind that i felt like putting on display for this community to read. i've been thinking differently. i could go on about it, explaining all the how's and why's but i'm much more interested in intimate conversations with people who have an open mind, sharing ideas and such..if you care to know more i'd be willing to engage with you..

three overnights in a row..now the trick is getting to sleep before six or seven. red bull, coffee, and beef jerky while at work..in that order..and cocoa puffs when i get home..

have you ever stood by a body of water at night and stared into it for awhile? what did you see/feel/think/hear?

i met a girl i like. :)

my mind is quiet..

you are going into a cave to find your power animal

2004-05-03T05:39:19Z

Slide..

Since I wasn't really hungry but thirsty, I musta drank me about fifteen corona and lime's..

I've seen my sister more the past 2 weeks than I have in a long time. I like being an uncle.

Dancing to 80's synth pop is pleasurable. Andrea has some wild moves..

One more week of school. Then I get the coveted piece of paper that will be framed and revered for its significance in this success-driven world. No grad school. Yet. Going to have a party, not sure where yet.

Nothing going on musically. There will be a creative outburst soon.

Haven't finished 'Diary' yet. I'm somewhere in the middle of it. I picked up a different book by Krishnamurti and Diary got put on hold.
I'm going to read some Vonnegut, Kafka, Hunter S. this summer..

Some cd's I've been listening to lately.. Orbital-works; Sonic Youth-Nurse; The Cure-disintegration; The Mars Volta-Deloused in the Crematorium; The Clash-Singles; The Postal Service-Give Up; Tool-Aenima.

it's official!!

2004-04-21T04:21:29Z

I'm an uncle!!!

Other thoughts...

Thinking about emotions, especially intense ones. Rage for instance.
How it can overcome and limit what one can see and think. I was questioning my own reactions to certain situations and how emotions actually surface and how much of them can be altered and if it's worth it. To feel is to be alive but would it be a denying of life to try and rid oneself of as much negative energy as possible? Is there some power in certain emotions, maybe not seen before, that can be harnessed in a new and positive way?

I feel intensely and it gives me that sense of being all-too-human. If I deny or attempt to dull this nature will I be losing out? Will I be less human? It might make for less uncomfortable situations and such but they are also necessary at times. Confrontation is essential. Especially when in need of some sort of truth, whatever that abstract concept may be on that given day.

Is being non-violent or working hard to not feel anger and other supposed 'bad' emotions just a reaction and therefore not a free act of will? Is the overall effect one of enhancement or is it just another way to deal with a situation? Freedom of mind can't be had by reacting. The creative force has to be one of its own will.

Should one pick and choose which emotions are better than others and if so why choose some over others? To act according to society or a group? Maybe it just depends on the goal. Ramblings to be continued in the privacy of my own room..

Work at 7am. UGH!!

I have work to do. 5 papers to finish within the next few days. Time for a quote:

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." William Blake.

or does it?

my nose bled yesterday

2004-04-17T17:36:38Z

Instead of asking my lj friends to think up three questions I figured I'd take a different approach and ask myself some questions. I'm going to do it as a spur of the moment thing and try to let it be as spontaneous as possible. Maybe something from my other areas of consciousness will pop up. Here I go.

Q: What would I eat for dinner if I was on a beach?
A: A cheeseburger and fries or some shrimp.

Q: Why do I live in Buffalo?
A: Friends, family. Also because I have yet to find a place out of state where i want to live and I'm not going to go alone to some city where I know no one and have no connections. A part of me wants to pack up some clothes, books and cd's and just go. Take a trip whether by bus or car and meet some new people and find a new home. As of now it won't happen though. With the amount of cash I have now I wouldn't last long and I'm not one to rely on others to keep me afloat. I despise borrowing money.

Q: Do I feel fulfilled?
A: Somewhat. I have plenty going on in my life right now but that doesn't always mean it's good for growth as a human being. I feel balance is important and I have a good deal of it right now. There are some minor areas I could improve on a bit but it's nothing extravagant. I could probably be a little less girl crazy.

Q: If I was to have a significant impact on culture in what way would I want to do it?
A: In a book first. Followed closely by music. A novel. A world tour.

Q: What's my best attribute?
A: My ass? ;) I have an ability to adapt easily to different situations. I listen.

Enough of that. Time to go clean my sheets and work out. I have the whole fucking day off!! Might go to soundlab later to check out some experimental music. A Saturday off..Life can be great sometimes.

who the hell reads novels anyway?

2004-04-07T18:58:37Z

Just started a new novel by Chucky P called 'Diary'. Intriguing so far. I haven't been reading as much the past few months except the books for school. Everyone should read all his books because they are phenomenal. Even if you don't like reading novels you should give it a whirl because he will at least take you on a ride that will be entertaining and make you question the things you may know or think you know or know nothing about but wondered about. Not to mention the fact that he is a master at characterization and plot twists. Alright I'm done with my promotional ad about Mr. Palahniuk. As if a bestselling novelist needs anyone to spread the word about his work.

I have ideas for a new story. Time to get some of them on paper. Then begin the process..Maybe I'll take a different route with it and make a video out of it.

Any actors out there in the lj world?

get together, one more time

2004-03-30T22:30:22Z

I picked out a new pair of Doc Martens. The last pair I had for some three years or so and I had to toss them out due to holes in the sides. Exciting, isn't it?

can you hear me?

2004-03-27T19:48:34Z

Codes. Break the boundaries. A crazy laugh resonates. Fog. A pool of blood on the pavement. Get it on tape. Can it be trusted? Rewind. Yellow tape. How about a title. Debauchery or decadence? Oh no they didn't just play my song!!

Roll over. The leather couch. Stumble into a wall. Sonic Youth in the player. An odd smell. Home. Eyes so blue. I can feel the alcohol like it's that yellow sticky stuff you hang posters with and you have to scrape it off the wall with your nail. Stuck in my cells.

Question posed to self: Who do I need and why?

Been thinking about needs/desires/wants/emotion/attachment.. I wonder what it would be like to not need anyone. There is emotional need and then there's survival. Who do you need? Is it to fulfill some desire?
I want sparks! Chemistry! I need water. Do I need a new woman?

Hideous..

abstract reverie

2004-03-20T20:33:29Z

Rain dripping down the window. My mind a mirror of it. My hand still sore. Spit.

Rage. Chain reaction. Still awake at dawn. Empty streets. Gloom. Sleep.

Dizzy. Cheese omelette with toast. Hot tea. A strange face in the glass.

Sex talk. Memory, or absence of. Zombies. Spring. A fever spreading.

Fade to black.

Back to work.

here and now

2004-03-16T16:39:28Z

If you could live anywhere where would it be? Why? What effect does it have on a person not living where they want?

off balance

2004-03-12T22:01:36Z

I let too much negativity get to me and it boiled over. It's never one specific thing that gets me to that breaking point, it's always a combination of different things that knock my balance out of whack. I haven't been writing as much as I should and I haven't tapped into any other creative outlets either. Sometimes it's good to let a multitude of emotions pour out in whatever form they may take. The dam had to break.

I wanted to erase everything. Just delete all that I am and have ever been. Start over. Break free from the past. But there is also a certain beauty in one's own memories and they each have their own purpose. I was blind to this for a bit because I was overwhelmed by emotions and I just wanted to erase everything. Start with a blank page. Pure. But roots are important.

I have a week off from school. Time to reflect. Read. Work. Create. Get rejuvenated.
Work out. Run. Work on music.

now is the only thing that's real

2004-03-08T18:29:37Z

I had a co-worker thinking I was nuts last night when the moon was out and I was making animalistic sounds to it.

The show on Friday went well besides some technical difficulties. It was especially fun playing the new songs..It's time for the Macabre dudes to go into hibernation and get some material recorded..A new and improved 'Searching' will be up on the site soon.

Thinking about making a video about the electronic scene. I was wondering if I should have interviews or just use live footage with some kind of voice over..Any ideas?

What else to tell? Love life? Doesn't exist. I'm ready for some extraordinary woman to come into my life. Someone new, exciting, passionate, intelligent..

I'm going to get sweaty now. :) Anyone want to join me?

show time

2004-03-05T19:39:13Z

Tonight at the Continental. Doors at 10. $4 21+, $6 for 21-..

Aesthetic Macabre
AKP
City of God

Might be our last show until summer as we are going to focus on recording and other projects. What else would you rather do on a Friday night besides check out some live electronic music? We are playing some new material and a cover of 'It's a Sin'.
Come check it out. You never know what might happen at a live event where various energies are swirling about..